"I'm a strong black woman!" a common phrase that we hear, I've been guilty of saying this phrase. I remember saying this to a guy one time who immediately checked me. He asked me why I wanted to be a "strong black woman" instead of just being a black woman. He was right. A lot of black women in society say this phrase thinking it is a compliment, because being strong is a good thing right? However it can be damaging, as it takes away our vulnerability and implies that we can constantly carry heavy loads.
Society expects black women to be strong all the time and take whatever life throws at them. We are constantly disrespected and are expected to just accept it, once we speak out against it then we are "angry". We are expected to be "ride or die" in relationships, and endure "struggle love", for example if a man is a serial cheater or is doing nonsense, we are expected to still be there for him and accept his behaviour. If a black woman wants a man that is faithful, financially stable and will treat her like a queen, then some people will complain that her standards are too high, but yet it is fine for non-black women to have these standards.
It reminds me of the viral video of the black woman who earns a six figure income, who wanted a man who also earns six figures, which I think is fair because she is asking for something that she also brings to the table. However, she is told by a black man that she can't get a six figure man mainly because of her appearance. I thought this was extremely disrespectful because if she wasn't a dark skin black woman and she looked racially ambiguous, had light skin and light eyes he would not have said that.
I was recently in a conversation on Club House with multiple black women who were expressing their experiences and past traumas. There were many women who stated how they do not feel protected by black men, if anything most of their traumas and anxiety had been caused by black men. It reminds me of Malcolm X's speech where he said the most unprotected woman is the black woman. I agree with this statement. Other groups of men protect their women. Due to feeling unprotected black women feel they have to protect themselves.
There are many black women who take on traditionally masculine roles. I personally believe that men should be the leaders, protectors and providers of their homes/families. I have seen men from different cultures do this. However a lot of black women have taken on these roles. There are black single parent families which are led by the woman, there are also some black two parent black families where the woman is leading the household while the father is more passive. In a lot of these households the woman is also the main breadwinner. Matriarchal families are quite common in black communities. This leads to the notion of black women being "superwoman" and doing everything. For example a black woman can be a single mother, have a high position at a top company, have a masters degree and do everything independently.
However this takes away from our femininity, we are not suppose to be superwoman and be responsible for doing everything. Black women should be allowed to be taken care of, vulnerable and weak. We should not be applauded for how much pain, trauma and stress we can endure because it assumes that we can handle anything that life throws at us, when this is far from the truth. I used to believe I had to endure stress. I once worked in a toxic environment which caused me chronic anxiety, despite this I was still going into work everyday working very hard, though mentally I was declining. This eventually affected my performance at work and my boss (who also happened to be a black woman) called me in. I expressed some of my feelings and she told me that I'm too sensitive, and I can't be a lawyer if I'm sensitive. She told me I have to be strong and to stop feeling sorry for myself. She continued to gaslight me which impacted how I viewed myself.
The idea of black women being strong also affects us in the medical field. There is this notion that black women have a high pain tolerance and don't feel physical pain as much as white women. This stems from the father of gynaecology J Marion Simm, a doctor who used to do experiments on enslaved black women without anaesthesia and said that black people do not feel pain. There are many medical professionals who still believe this notion. That is why many medical professionals ignore black women when they complain of being pain and this has led to the statistic of black women in the UK being 5 times more likely to die from childbirth. I have heard from black mother's the negative experiences they had when giving birth to their child.
It is sad that we are not afforded the right to just be human, we feel pain, we hurt, we are emotional and we have every right to feel this way just as white women are allowed to. Our emotions are valid. It annoys me that we are expected to endure everything, this is extremely detrimental to our mental health. We shouldn't have to carry extra burdens because we are black women. Further, the responsibility should not lie with us to continuously educate other groups about racism and sexism. If you are a black woman, do not take on extra unnecessary responsibilities, don't feel that you have to be a particular way. Be yourself and bask in your femininity.
