The toxic side of African parenting

I grew up in a west African household in the UK. I am glad I was as it taught me morals, values, the importance of working hard, to aim high, to respect my elders, discipline, the importance of family and community. These have greatly shaped the woman I have become .

As much as there are many great factors of growing up in such a household there is a toxic side which needs to be addressed, and I'm sure many people who grew up in African households would have most likely experienced these things

1. Comparison

One thing African parents will do, is always compare you with someone else. I am sure many of you may be familiar with the phrase "look at your age mate". African parents always remind us that there is someone they know who is in our age group, that is doing better than us. There is always that "golden child" that parents like to compare us to and ask us why we can't be more like them (in most cases the golden child is actually far from golden). This is very damaging because if you are constantly being compared to others you will feel like you are inadequate and not good enough. This can damage your self-esteem and you will not find worth and value in yourself.

2. Disrespectful elders

I believe that we should respect our elders, however some of these elders take advantage of this concept. Some elders are disrespectful because they know that we cannot answer back (because if we did we will automatically look like the bad person). Some like to give their unwarranted opinions about your life when it doesn't even concern them (they love staying in other people's business). They can say rude things to you and will not consider how their words can negatively impact you. Some elders will talk down to you and and will even treat you like you're their servant. Some would like you to worship the ground they walk on. They never believe that they can be wrong and will never take accountability for their behaviour. One thing I dislike is that they will not consider your opinions as valid because of your age.

This is a very toxic trait. Age doesn't mean you are wise, mature or that you can never be wrong. You can learn from people much younger than you. Young people's opinion are equally valid. There needs to be a serious mindset change with these "elders".

3. Discipline

One thing I dislike about African parenting, is when they automatically resort to hitting their children when they do something wrong as a form of discipline. They never sit down with the child and explain why their behaviour is wrong, so that the child can understand. I've heard some men  say that they were beaten so much as a child that they eventually became desensitised to it. There are some African children who literally have a deep hatred for their parents because of the way they were disciplined. There are people who grew up genuinely fearing their parents. Children should not have to be scared of their parents, yes they should respect them but they should also be comfortable being around them. I used to think that using, belts, wooden spoons, slippers/shoes or any implements to beat a child was normal. It was only when I got older I realised how detrimental and damaging it is. It is teaching children that violence is normal. I believe that some parents beat their children as a way of releasing their anger. I think that a lot of parents need to go to therapy to deal with their deep rooted issues. I am not against a little smack or other forms of discipline but abusing your child is wrong.

4. First born Daughters

I think first born daughters have it hard. We sometimes have to play the role of 2nd mothers and our upbringing tends to be harsher than that of our brothers. I had a harsher upbringing than my younger brother (we have a 3 year age gap). My mother was strict with me. I was expected to do more housework and domestic tasks growing up because of my gender whereas my brother didn't have do this. Even as teenagers my brother could be out late, and my mum wouldn't really say anything. If that was me she would be ringing off my phone asking me when I'm getting home. Even when it came to relationships in our latter teen years my mum did not like me having boyfriend, however if my brother brought a girl home it wasn't an issue.

The expectations of me were much higher and if I didn't meet them I was chastised. My brother had so much freedom to do what he pretty much what he wanted, but I could never even dream of this.

I've spoken to many females who have gone through the same thing, their mothers spoiling their brothers and allowing them to get away with anything but be super strict with their daughters. This is completely unfair and does have a negative impact on daughters. This is also the reason why you get boys who grow up to become entitled men as their mothers did everything for them, so when they get older they expect their partners to continue where their mother left off. Mother's need to stop babying their sons and stop being strict with their daughters. They need to keep the same energy with both genders.

5. Unrealistic expectations

I was taught the importance of education growing up. My dad always used to go on about how he walked 7 miles to school everyday and was always 1st in his class. This is something almost every African parent says (a lot of them must be lying because not everyone could have been first in their class). When I did my GCSE's I mainly got A*-B grades. I was ecstatic about my results and I showed my mother, she said I did well but then went on to say "only if your B grades were A grades" my happiness immediately left my body. I worked so hard and still I wasn't good enough. I remember in university studying law, and my uncle saying to me "it would have been better if you studied medicine instead" (meanwhile his son who was my age was out there committing crimes). It is only when I went to therapy I realised how these toxic experiences affected me. My therapist told me that I seek validation from others and I don't think I'm good enough despite all of my amazing achievements. I've heard similar stories from other people where family members do not support their dreams and ambitions. Other times when it comes to receiving test results and they get for example 8/10,  their parents are angry about why they didn't get the other 2 marks.

This is extremely toxic! African parents need to stop expecting perfection from their children, it is not realistic. Not everybody can be an A* or first class student. Some people are academic, others are practical. We all have our own unique gifts and abilities which should be nurtured. Not everybody is destined to be a Doctor, lawyer and accountant or have a masters and PhD. Don't get me wrong, education is very important but it is not the be all and end all. I have met uneducated people who managed to become wealthy. There are many highly educated Africans, but a lot of this does not even translate into wealth.

Overall I do think things are changing especially with the newer generation of African parents, so some toxic traits are decreasing. Just because some things are "tradition" or "culture" it doesn't mean we have to continue the cycle. If it is not beneficial we should let it go and take on new habits that will help us. I am no way an expert in parenting but I do believe we need to use discernment when raising children.